“YOU STUPID REDNECK!” shouted the lawyer, looking with contempt at the redneck in his dirty overalls.

“Now how am I gonna get outa this?” though the redneck to himself. Then he had an idea…

After looking over the handsome, impeccably dressed and dignified city lawyer in his $2,000 navy blue pinstriped suit, carefully knotted red silk tie, starched white shirt, silver cufflinks and black dress shoes polished like mirrors, $1,000 briefcase and hundred dollar haircut, the redneck walked back to his car, got out a bottle, and brought it back.

He handed it to the hotshot and said, “Here, you look pretty shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this. It’ll steady your nerves….IT’S HOMEMADE…”

The lawyer did, but was so angry about the wreck, he refused to speak. The redneck then said, “You still look a little bit pale. How about another?” And the smug, pompous lawyer took another swallow. After a few minutes, he began to feel the heat of the sun through his wool suit.

Then the redneck said “It’s mighty hot today. Folks ’round here don’t usually wear shoes on a day like those. Why don’t you take off them fancy shoes, and the socks, too?”

The lawyer frowned: “Take off my shoes and socks? Do I LOOK like someone who would walk around barefoot? That’s fine for hicks, but not for a professional like ME! These are $500 shoes!”

But after a few more sips, the redneck asked him again, and then again, and then again, and finally the lawyer, feeling the white lightnin’, let out a laugh and took off his polished shoes and socks.
The redneck picked up the polished shoes and smiled. “Might fancy shoes you got here, boy!” Then the redneck said: “Why don’t you take off that fancy necktie?”

The lawyer said: “My tie!”, but in a minute, the silk tie was dropped on top of the shoes and the socks.

The redneck grinned and held up an extra pair of overalls he found in his pickup. “And that fancy business suit? You look kind of funny standing there barefoot in a suit on a 100 degree day! You can wear these while we figger out what to do about this situation! Just strip that suit off…”

The lawyer tried to give him an arrogant look, but he was feeling the heat of the sun and the liquor. He tried to resist, but…

Off came the jacket of the $2,000 pinstriped suit. Then the starched white shirt and the cufflinks. Finally, the trousers, too, and the lawyer pulled on the overalls.

“Now ain’t that more comfortable?!” said the redneck.

At the urging of the redneck, the lawyer then took another sip, and another, and another.
The suspenders and the cufflinks and the briefcase were all in a heap now, and the lawyer was having a hard time standing up. After another half hour, the lawyer said he was feeling pretty good, and asked the redneck if he didn’t think that he ought to have a little nip, too. Then he realized he couldn’t find the redneck…

“Not me”, the redneck replied, stepping out from behind a tree. The lawyer stared at him in shock, but was now so drunk he couldn’t stand up. The redneck was wearing the lawyer’s suit, shirt and tie, his feet were in the lawyer’s shoes and socks; he was holding his briefcase, shaving with a razor he found in the briefcase and holding the keys to his BMW.

The lawyer mumbled “You look like me! What…. Why… Give me my clothes back! Take off my shoes! My car…What are you….”

But he was so drunk he couldn’t move.

Then he reached over and pulled the Rolex off the lawyer’s wrist and as a final touch, rubbed some dirt into the lawyer’s manicured hands and expensive haircut.
He looked at the formerly well-dressed and dignified lawyer, sitting in the dirt, barefoot in overalls and drunk as a skunk and looking like a true redneck, “I’m waiting for the state trooper.”…

Have you always wanted to be a Bubba and know the freedom of the redneck life, but didn’t know how?

No – don’t leave! You KNOW that has been your secret dream of freedom all your life.

Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified executive image, just hollerin’ to get out?

Does the simple life of a backwoods Bubba call out to you in your fast-track dreams, demanding your attention?

Well, now, Mister Hotshot Corporate High-flyer, YOU can become the bubba redneck you have always wanted to be!

TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE? No! It’s TRUE!

Just purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco, several extra strength large garbage bags and six cases of beer. That is all you will need to start!

Now follow the 40 SIMPLE and EASY guidelines in our easy to follow manual!

REMEMBER. This transformation will not be easy! It requires courage and determination! When the going gets tough, just keep thinking of the freedom and the excitement of the Redneck life that waits for you!

Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE during WORKING HOURS. The corporate environment is required.

Before you begin this exciting transformation, have a photograph taken of yourself as a well dressed yuppie executive next to your car. This is for comparison later!

Now, follow the instructions carefully:

1) We assume you are a dignified, impeccably-groomed yuppie executive or other well-paid professional gentleman; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of impeccably-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black captoe leather shoes and silk business socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex.

If you are NOT dressed like this, or the equivalent, stop NOW and continue when you are.

As a successful executive you know that presentation is everything: perfect suit, shoes, hair, tie, car, home, teeth and briefcase. Well, it’s the same with rednecks – only in REVERSE!

FIRST, untie and remove mirror-shined high-powered handmade executive shoes. Peel off those slick business socks.

DO THIS NOW! This is NOT optional!

Be warned: your fancy shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so do not deceive yourself; this will be a challenge to a true yuppie executive. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you.

Until now, you have been told “The first thing people notice are your shoes!” From now on, SHOES ARE YOUR ENEMY!

Repeat every day, once every hour: Shoes are my enemy!

(Note: This will work with ALL shoes worn by high-class executives and other professionals, including Johnston & Murphy wingtips and those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.)

2) Stuff silk socks in those over-polished shoes and drop in garbage can.

3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put those shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail!

You will be STRONGLY tempted to put those bigshot city boy shoes back on your feet – resist this! It will soon become natural. You will soon REFUSE to wear shoes – it sounds impossible, but it’s true! Have courage! Persevere!

If you have trouble, don’t hesitate to call our 800 emergency number. A bona fide trained Bubba coach will help you.

4) The following is guaranteed to drag you off your hotshot corporate high horse in a hurry, and down into the redneck world! After this, you WON’T be able to get back on that corporate ladder! Trust us!

PROP BARE FEET ON POLISHED OFFICE DESK, WITH SOLES FACING OPEN OFFICE DOOR.

Yes, you read this correctly! It will be a challenge to everything you have been in the past! But remember: the life of a Bubba is calling you!

Do NOT remove bare feet from desk, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office.

5) Remove your monogrammed cufflinks and scratch the soles of your feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put the cufflinks back on.

6) Use your classy silk made-in-France necktie to wipe nose.

7) Use your silver tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put the tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt.

Eat lunch with a knife only. Wipe the dirty knife on otherwise impeccable business suit. Remember, you must UNLEARN all your good “businessman” manners! Forget all those lessons you learned in your uppity prep school. Rednecks have a different code!

9) Reach under your suit trouser leg and scratch. Scratch under arms. Scratch hard! Do this often.

10) Open a can of beer. Drink very rapidly and then belch loudly. Practice! Dribble on your business suit. Discarded silk business socks may be used to wipe mouth. Repeat. Pile the empty cans on expensive office carpet.

11) Shout with laughter for no reason.

Note: Do NOT be concerned if you experience concern about your dignity. Your dignity will soon disappear! Do not worry!

12) Place tobacco in your mouth; place in back of cheek. Practice spitting streams of tobacco juice on to computer screen, or on polished office floor, or on important presentation, or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit.

Those shiny shoes you took off may also serve as spittoon.

Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! Return to garbage can when finished! See Step #3.

13) Now it is time to get rid of all the rest of those classy executive clothes you’re wearing. This will be very difficult. Remember: you are no longer a person of Influence or a High Flyer or a VIP! So DON’T dress like one!

Until now this has been your uniform! Not anymore! For you are now a redneck!

14) Untie and remove your dapper, natty silk necktie. Neckties belong to the white-collar world you are leaving! What do you need a necktie for? You’re a Bubba now! You’re free! Drop it in the garbage.

15) Now, take off all that stupid jewelry and extra useless stuff that important and respected businessmen wear: unfasten and remove your Cartier gold monogrammed cufflinks, pluck the pocket square that used to match the tie you just threw away out of your suit, unfasten your Hugo Boss tiepin, unbutton and pull out your suspenders. Drop ALL items in garbage can.

16) Slide your Rolex watch off your wrist. Rednecks do NOT wear wristwatches of any kind! Throw it out NOW! Yes – NOW! You will keep looking at your wrist for a while, but soon you won’t care what time it is.

14) Now for the SUIT: ultimate symbol of corporate success, privelege and prestige but also an obstacle to bubbahood!

STRIP off that expensive tailored Italian business suit, the crisply starched shirt and even your designer underwear. (Yes, the Ralph Lauren silk boxer shorts and the tee shirt have to go so quit gripin’ and whinin’ and take em off!) Toss ALL items in the garbage can.

Do NOT carefully fold that suit. Just DUMP it in the garbage.

Note: Removal of that beautiful hand-tailored business suit will be TRAUMATIC for the uppity, high and mighty upper class businessman you have been until now. It is comparable to an operation. Be prepared for a shock to your system. Just remember – you will no longer be respected or admired. You will be FREE!

15) Shred all the contents of your briefcase. Add the briefcase, and your Blackberry to the garbage can.

16) Cut up all business and credit cards, without exception, and throw away your wallet. What will you do for money? No problem! You won’t have any.

17) Cut up your Ivy League and and other prestigious college degree. Also, destroy all evidence of professional accomplishments and success. You will NOT need them!

18) Put on overalls. Walk around in them to get used to your new look. Take pride in your redneck identity!

19) Practice poor posture and sluggish walk. Let your jaw go slack, bubba!

Have operation to flatten your feet. After the operation those dapper shoes you used to wear won’t fit anymore, so even if you weaken and try to put them on – you can’t because your feet are now too wide!

20) Cancel subscriptions to the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times. Have cable disconnected.

21) If you have not already been fired, quit that high-paying prestigious white-collar job immediately and stop working altogether.

Alternative: become a garbage man or janitor or sling hash in a diner.

22) Now prepare yourself: Those nice white businessman TEETH of yours will have to go.

Have you seen a redneck’s teeth? Make appointment with a dentist. Have the two front top teeth removed. Chip all other teeth and stain yellow with tobacco juice.

23) We have more news for you: Your HAIR has to go as well. yes – no more hair on your head for you!

That thick head of carefully groomed, neatly parted executive hair just won’t fit with the redneck world. Just think of the joys of the redneck world that await!

Make appointment with a surgeon. Have all hair on the top of your head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back. Have a unibrow added.

24) Shave ONLY twice a week using blunt razor. Be careful to leave a scraggly beard at ALL times. That clean-shaven look you have now goes well with a boardroom – but not for a Bubba!

25) Bathe ONLY twice a week. You’re used to daily showers. Forget it.

26) Begin an intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all “NG” endings from words – “havin” instead of “having”. Learn to yelp and whoop and holler.

27) Sell your Porsche. No redneck drives a fancy foreign car!

28) Buy a used, rusty and very old pickup.

29) Sell your condo. They won’t let you stay there now anyway!

30) Sell all of your furniture. ALL OF IT!

31) Sell all of your executive sports equipment. EVERYTHING BOY! Tennis rackets and golf clubs and squash rackets and hunting clothes.

32) Start growing a beer gut.

Yes, you MUST gain weight! Do NOT exercise at all while doing this. Eat large amounts of fatty foods. Add at least 40 pounds to your stomach. Say goodbye to that dapper, trim executive image and be free!

33) Buy a dilapidated shack in backwoods and shotgun rack.

34) Give or throw away ALL your remaining clothes: business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts, and accessories, including that Burberry tuxedo and overcoat and those patent leather pumps you wore to corporate black tie events.

NOTHING can be retained. The clothes of a wealthy executive will have no place in your new life! Bubbas DO NOT wear tuxedos!

And that sharp looking tux won’t fit over your new beer gut!

35) Sell your stocks, bonds and ALL OF YOUR FINANCIAL ASSSETS. Ye – EVERYTHING! You will have NO retirement savings or nest egg!

36) Give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to the local Redneck Games. You are supporting the Hubcap Hurl, Bobbin’ for Pigsfeet, and toilet seat horseshoes for decades to come! Don’t be shocked – you’ll be there too, covered with mud!

You will NOT need money. You were once affluent, but are now officially below the poverty line and will remain there.

37) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss any episodes.

38) Find a wrecked car and leave it in front of your shack.

39) Have your name changed legally from aristocratic names like “Gregory” or “Andrew” or “Trevor” to “Cletus” or “Bubba” or “Jed”.

40) Now – have a photograph taken of yourself as a Bubba. Compare with earlier photograph! We are so sure you will be satisfied we will refund your money if you are not!

You are now the man you would have feared and run from in your old life!

Congratulations! You ir – or should I say “BOY” – are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming!

Satisfaction Guaranteed! And no one will ever call you “sir” again!

The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you’d do ?

About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.

“I know, I know, I know the first thing I’d do”. The personnel manager says “yes Luke, what is the first thing you’d do?” Luke says, “I’d wake Zek up.” The personnel manager replies, “WHAT ! “Why would wake Zek up ?”

Coos, says Luke, “He ain’t never seen no big accident before!”

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is “Bubba”.

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer…

The mouse is referred to as a “critter”.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, “The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind.”

One of the hunters pushed forward, “Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What’s with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.

Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, “Do you know where we are?”

“I think so,” replied the other Redneck. “Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!”

The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?”

The other guy says, “Wow! Then it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

1. Go to O’Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O’Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss and complain.

32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands

39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

40. Test drive car

41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.

42. Car gets impounded.

43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:

$50 parts

$12 beer

$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!

$1000 Bail

$200 Impound and towing fee

Total: $1337

“Well,” Bubba began, “We wuz havin’ a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, ‘Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?’”

“And then what happened?” the officer interrupted.

“From what I remember,” Bubba said, “I stood up and said, ‘Sure, I’m game.’”

Last name: ________________

First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse’s Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
Lover’s Name: __________________________
2nd Lover’s Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother’s Name: _______________________
Father’s Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don’t know