Bar Jokes

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else… After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the [...]

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him. “You, sir, are drunk!” “And you ma’am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!”

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple [...]

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says “So where are you from, then?” “I’m from Ireland.” “Me too! I’ll drink to that.” They both finish their pints and order two more. [...]

A man stumbles out of a bar one night obviously drunk. He makes his way down the street knocking into everything in his path. A police officer watches him from a cruiser across the street. The man comes up to a parked car, fumbles around in his pockets, gets his keys, and proceeds to drive [...]

There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar. The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women cannot take enough pain to get a tattoo. After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer, the woman states, “Well, I have a [...]

A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender, “Bartender get me a tequila!” The bartender gets him a tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then he looks around the bar and sees three large men at a table having some beers. He points at one [...]

A guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits a blond woman’s boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs. Each time the guy calls for another beer, this happens. So, after his third [...]