His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:…. cost – £29.99
Clinton:…. cost – £29.99

Titanic:….. Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:….. Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:…. The story of Jack and Rose, their? forbidden? love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:….. The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:….. Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:….. Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:…. In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:….. Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:….. During the ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined.
Clinton:….. Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:….. Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:….. Let’s not go there.

Titanic:…… Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton:…. Monica’s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:….. Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:….. Clinton doesn’t remember Jack.

Titanic:…… Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:….. Monica….ooh, let’s not go there, either.

Titanic:….. Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:….. Bill goes home to Hillary – basically the same thing

This post was submitted by rondetto.

Mrs. O’Flattery was sitting on her roof with her neighbour, Mrs.O’Leary, waiting for help to come when Mrs. O’Leary noticed a baseball cap Floating near the house.

She watched it float far out into the front yard and then float back to the house. Again and again, it kept floating away from the house, then back towards house.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs.O’Flattery, “Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin’ away from the house, den back again?”

Mrs. O’Flattery said, “Oh yeah, dass my husband Paddy; I tole him he gonna cut the grass today, come hell or high water!”

This post was submitted by rondetto.

“I’m afraid not, sir,” the clerk told him apologetically, “but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.”

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted £15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and trim. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, “Manicures £20.” “Why not?” he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands in the slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later he pulled his hands out and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, Machine provides a service men need when away from Their Wives, 50 pence. He looked both ways, put 50 pence in the machine, unzipped his fly and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member….which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

This post was submitted by rondetto.

This post was submitted by rondetto.

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: ‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’

BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: ‘You’re next, Chubby.’

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

This post was submitted by Joe Umphrey.

Customs Official : ‘May I know your name?’
Passenger : ‘Batman’
Customs Official : ‘Sir…what’s your name!?’
Passenger : ‘My name is Batman.’
Customs Official : ‘Trying to be funny? What’s your surname?’
Passenger : ‘Super-man’
Customs Official : ‘So you’re telling me your name is Batman Superman?’
Passenger : ‘Yes’
Customs Official : ‘Arrest this guy!’

When they had him in custody, he was asked to show his identification card:
.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’

I keep telling you! Don’t Mess with Old People!!

This post was submitted by Joe Umphrey.