My Joke Mail

Cowboy

Mike — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 03:18:21 +0000

A Texas cowboy walks into the dentist’s office and after an examination the dentist says, “That tooth has to come out. I’m going to give you a shot of Novocain and I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

The cowboy grabs the doc’s arm and says, “No way. I hate needles. I’m not having any shot!”

So the dentist says, “Okay, we’ll have to go with gas.”

The cowboy replies, “Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I’m not having gas.”

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, “Here,” he says, “Take this pill.”

The cowboy asks, “What is it?”

The doc replies,”Viagra.”

The cowboy looks surprised and ask,”Will that kill the pain?”

“No,” replies the dentist, “but it will give you something to hold on to while I pull the tooth.”

The Bus Full of Ugly People

Mike — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 03:18:19 +0000

The Bus Full of Ugly People
A bus, carrying only ugly people, crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their Maker and, because of the grief they have experienced. He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise.
They’re all lined up and God asks the first one what their wish is.
“I want to be gorgeous, ” and so, God snaps His fingers and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says, “I want to be gorgeous, too.” Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while. But, when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts giggling. When there are only ten people left, this guy is giggling uncontrolably, barely able to breath.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually manages to catch his breath and says, “Make’em all ugly, again.”

A REALLY Bad Day!

Mike — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 03:18:16 +0000

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

A Big Ooops!

Mike — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 03:18:12 +0000

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather sexy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can’t place where he might know her from, so he says, “Sorry, do you know me?”

She replies “I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children.”

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.

“Holy crap,” he says, “are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my behind?”

“No,” she replies, “I’m your son’s English Teacher.”

THE GHETTO BIRD

Mike — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 03:14:04 +0000

A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere she went. She would even take the parrot to the club with her when she went dancing and drinking on Saturday nights. Whenever the woman went onto the dance floor, the parrot
would yell, “The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don’t need no water let the muthafukkah burn! Burn muthafukkah burn!”
The crowd on the dance floor would always cheer and holler in appreciation when the parrot would yell. This would make the parrot yell even more and of course make the crowd go wild. This would go on all night long, everytime the parrot went out.
One Sunday morning the woman took the parrot to church and into the choir stand with her. And when the choir started to sing, the parrot yelled, “The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don’t need no water let the muthafukkah burn! Burn muthafukkah burn!”
She embarrassingly corrected the parrot, “No, you don’t say that here!!”
The parrot looked around and asked, “Why not? These are the same muthafukkahs that was at the club last night!!!”

Lawyer Vs Cop

Mike — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 03:14:01 +0000

A lawyer from New York City runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a South Carolina State Trooper.
Being from New York, he thinks that he is smarter than the Trooper because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Trooper’s expense…
Trooper says, “License and registration, please.”
Lawyer says, “What for?”
Trooper says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Trooper says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”
Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
Trooper says, “The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”
Lawyer says, “If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket.”
Trooper says, “All right then Sir, exit your vehicle please.”
At this point, the Trooper takes out his nightstick and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer and says:
“Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?”

3 Brazilian Soldiers Killed

Mike — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 03:13:56 +0000

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying:
“Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.”
“OH, NO!” the President exclaims. “That’s terrible!”
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands, crying quietly.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, “How many is a brazillion?”

Payback Bitch!

Mike — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 01:54:59 +0000

Dear Husband

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch me or anything. Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore, what ever the case is, I’m gone.

P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your Ex-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a man!” My mother raised me to not say anything if you can’t say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Every-thing happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.

Signed
Rich As Hell and Free!

The Zookeeper

Rondetto — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 01:54:57 +0000

A Zookeeper was walking through the zoo one day, checking on all the animals.
When he passed near the Giraffe pen, he noticed a woman standing near the fence
that contained the giraffes.

One of the largest giraffes had walked up to the woman and stood in front of her on
the other side of the fence.

Suddenly, the giraffe reared up and jumped over the fence and raced away through the zoo.

The Zookeeper ran over to the woman. “My God Lady, what happened to the giraffe?”

The woman turned to the Zookeeper and said, “All I did was reach through the bars and tickle his balls.”

With that the Zookeeper dropped his own pants around his ankles and said, “Tickle mine, I gotta catch him.”

TWO MOBSTERS

Mike — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 01:54:52 +0000

Two mobsters are talking about what they got their wives for Christmas.

The first one says “I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes, so that in case she doesn’t like the diamond, she can drive it back to the store and get another.”

The second mobster says, “I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way, if she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.”