This old man was reminiscing about the good old days……….

“When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar, and I’d come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a box of tea, and a half a dozen eggs.

You can’t do that now.
Too many fuckin’ security cameras.”

I knew he reminded me of somebody famous…..

On the left is “Walter,” Jeff Dunham’s dummy…

The one on the right is Obama’s.

This post was submitted by LobsterLou.

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet. Fag.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer – it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed And just think about how you call a dog.. ‘Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!’ Now think about how you call a cat…. ‘Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!’ Yep, you’re queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs , crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you’re as fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a ‘Decaf Soy Latte’. If you’ve put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you’ve had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge of being a salami smuggler.

This post was submitted by LobsterLou.

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the
three of them.

The Cow: I give 50 liters of milk every day and that’s why I am the
greatest!!

The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times
my own weight and that’s why I am the greatest!!

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Why are you scrolling down?  It’s your turn to say something…

This post was submitted by LobsterLou.

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Levin’s pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was empty. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it..
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time..’

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the shit out of me…….

This post was submitted by LobsterLou.

1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

8. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

9. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

10. A calendar’s days are numbered.

11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

13. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium
at large.

14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

15. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

18. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

21. The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir
Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian.

23. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because
it was a weapon of math disruption.

25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.

27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.

29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the
Grass.’

32. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse
said ‘No change yet.’

33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.

34. Don’t join dangerous cults: practice safe sects.

This post was submitted by LobsterLou.

~ “I finished the Oreos”

~ “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 30th is the Super Bowl”

~ “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs 45 pounds.”

~ “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!”

~ “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”

~ “Darned if you ain’t about 5 pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”

~ “I’m so jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?

~ “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today!”

~ “‘Retaining water?’ Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water!”

~ “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”

~ “Get your *own* ice cream.”

And one thing you should DEFINITELY NOT say to a pregnant wife…

~ “Got milk?”

This post was submitted by LobsterLou.

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years…

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening. the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for awhile to look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence — and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women then shouted to him, ‘We’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’ Holding the bucket up, he said, ‘I’m just here to feed the alligator.’

Some old men can REALLY think fast!!!

This post was submitted by Barry C.

Question:
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?

Answer:
A crazy bitch who WILL find you!

This post was submitted by LobsterLou.

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The next morning, the first one – a redhead – is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one – (you knew it) – a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering — and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

This post was submitted by Barry C.