WRIGLEY’S
Paddy was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an english tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. Paddy politely ignored the englishman who nevertheless started up a conversation.
30 HARSH THINGS TO SAY TO A NAKED MAN
1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it’s cute.
3. Why don’t we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
OLDIE BUT GOODY
I heard this joke a while back, but it’s still funny!
Okay, there was a woman driving down the freeway, goin’ quite a bit faster than the speed limit, when she’s pulled over my a policeman.
Too tight
On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten get any shoes.
The New Journalist
A young man graduated from University of Dublin with a degree
in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him
was to write a human interest story. Being an Irish lad, he went
back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer’s
house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and
proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man
asked, “Has anything ever happened around here that made you
happy?”
Blue Movie
A saxophone player was contracted to do a recording session for a movie. Much to his delight, the soundtrack was pretty much a sax solo from beginning to end.
Pickle Slicer
So a guy comes home from work, kinda bummed out, and his wife asked “What’s wrong dear?” The fella says “Every day when I leave work I have the urge to stick my finger in the bottom of the pickle slicer.” His wife replies “Well, if it bothers you that much then do it, but I don’t want to hear about you getting hurt.”
So the next day the guy comes home with a black eye and his wife asks what happened. “Remember what I said about putting my finger in the bottom of the pickle slicer?” And the wife says “Uh, yeah – how did that work out?”
“Well, I should have asked her first!”
Elephant Trunk
Jack goes to the doctor and says “Doc I’m having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?”
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, “Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There’s really nothing I can do for you except if you’re willing to try an experimental treatment.”
Jack asks sadly, “What is this treatment?” “Well,” the doctor explains, “what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis.”
Jack thinks about it silently then says, “Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for it.”
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.
To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a dinner roll and then returned to his pants.
His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, “That was incredible! Can you do that again?”
Jack replied, “Well, I guess so, but I’m not sure I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!”
A millionaire playboy dies, and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
St. Peter looks at the list of everything he’s done in his life, and sends him to Hell.
The playboy re-appears in Hell, but it looks like a huge, fancy cocktail party. All the men are in tuxedos, the women are all beautiful and in tight black dresses, and there are champagne bottles popping all over the place.
The playboy is in disbelief, and says to a guy passing by, “Hey – I thought this was supposed to be Hell. This looks great!”
The guy says, “It is Hell. All the glasses have holes in them. And the women don’t.”
Flat chested woman
A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says, “Pardon” to her.
Age Jokes
Animal Jokes
Aviation Jokes
Bar Jokes
Best Man
Birthday Jokes
Blonde Jokes
Computer Jokes
Death Jokes
Dumb Laws
Golf Jokes
Halloween Jokes
Heaven and Hell
Insults
Lawyer Jokes
Marriage Jokes
Redneck jokes
Rude
Text message
True Stories
Valentine’s Day